MONDAY MUSINGS

Hello everyone!

Hope your summer has been fantastic!

When I decided to close down my blog for a month and a half right before we left for our summer vacay (family reunion), I wondered if I really needed that much time. We were only going to be gone for two weeks.

However, there were several other reasons why I thought it would be a smart idea and those reasons proved to be true. I knew what was coming in my life--and sadly, it came.

If you have been following my blog, then you know my father was very ill with pancreatic cancer. We decided to have a family reunion with all of his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. We knew Dad was going downhill and in spite of his determination to fight, the treatments were not working.

We didn't want to go to all of the effort to have everyone together just for the funeral.

We wanted to have everyone together while my father was still alive.

It was the best thing we ever did.

We had an amazing family reunion. We each had the opportunity to say our goodbyes to our father, grandfather, and great grandfather.

 We had all been telling ourselves there was still a chance for him, that a miracle might happen.

But once we saw him, I think we all knew. He had lost a scary amount of weight, he could barely stand or speak, and he hardly ate anything at all. It was a truly heartbreaking sight.

Regardless, somehow he found the strength to get up and join us for as many of the activities as he possibly could, which was nothing short of amazing. It was only through sheer will power that he was able to find the energy to join us.

Here's a few pictures of all of us together:

(Yes, we had matching t-shirts! Except one of my nephews who insisted on having a different color than everyone else.)

The below picture is taken by the tree house my father built. (The one I featured in Girl of Mine.)

The below picture is of my parents with their living children. (My brother passed away at age 27. Pictured is my foster brother.)

The next picture is of my parents with their grandchildren. (The four on the right are mine!!)

Below are my parents with their great grandchildren. (BTW, they are all my grandchildren. And my mother is pointing to the one on the way, who happens to be a GIRL!!!)

This next one is of my family with my parents.

These pictures are now highly precious to all of us.

We left our family reunion on July 12th.

We each had time to say goodbye to Dad.

We knew it was only a matter of time.

My father passed away peacefully in his sleep, in his own home, on July 23rd while surrounded by family, holding his hands and talking to him.

If it's your time to return home, I can't think of a better way to leave this earth.

My hubby and I returned to Oregon for the funeral services.

Me and my sisters.

The fire truck led the procession to the cemetery.

The pall bearers all wore one of my father's Disney ties.

He loved to wear Disney ties and seldom wore anything else with his suit.

My father was a retired fire chief, a true American hero.

So, needless to say, it has been an eventful summer.

Chasing Fireflies released on July 1st, and then all of my attention went to family matters. (More on Chasing Fireflies next week.)

I'm home now and readjusting to life. The desire to remain in Oregon for another month with my mother was strong. But I had other family responsibilities at home and I needed to go back to Texas.

My father spent his retirement years landscaping and working his property. He has seven acres.

He truly created a paradise. It's so beautiful and relaxing.

This is the barn. The BARN! (The place where he stores all his STUFF.)

I've already told my Mom that I want to convert the barn into my retirement home. It's amazing.

(Decorations and popcorn machine left over from our Family Reunion. We had a talent show, a dance party, a painting party (choose a name and paint a painting for a family member), a baby shower, and a movie night in the barn. It's filled with wonderful memories.)

Dance Party

Painting Party

BTW, here's what my niece painted for me!! I love it!

Talent Show

Baby Shower

Baby Shower

Dad joined as often as possible.

Movie night pic below, projected on the barn doors.

Sigh. I feel peaceful just looking at the pictures. I could easily live there.

My father has left behind an amazing legacy. My mother wants the property to stay in the family and we are all on board with that idea.

Love you, Dad.

This post is dedicated to my father.

In loving memory.

Monday Musings--The Unexpected

I received one of those phone calls a few weeks ago. You know, the one you never want to receive.

My Mom said my father has been ill. He hasn't been getting out of bed. He's in a lot of pain. He's losing a lot of weight. The doctors have been running a bunch of tests on him.

My mom felt it was time to let me know what was going on. It was unexpected news. And I sobbed as she spoke.

We just visited my parents in July. My dad had lost a lot of weight even then. But that weight loss was deliberate. He'd been diagnosed with diabetes and he needed to change his diet.

His hobby is working in his yard and he's created a virtual paradise. He's always active and outside working on some project on his seven acres.

It isn't like him to lie in bed all day. Not at all.

Then I received an email message. You know, the one you never want to receive. It was sent from my Dad's phone. He'd just come from the doctor's office.

They found something.

A mass on his pancreas.

When you hear news like this, your thoughts go to dark places and you assume the worst.

Could it be cancer? The possibility is there.

Next, I spoke to my Mom on the phone. She said Dad had had a bad night. He was in a lot of pain and couldn't sleep.

I hate that my Dad is in pain.

The Dad that comforted me whenever I was hurting. I remember when I was in labor with my first daughter. I was in the throes of strong contractions and my Dad stepped in to see me for a minute. When he saw me in so much pain, he cried. Tears running down his cheeks.

And now my tears run down my cheeks for him.

There's nothing like the thought of losing your parents to make you realize your own mortality. Almost everyone experiences losing their parents at some time in their life. I hear about it all the time and I feel for that person. But I somehow never thought it would happen to me.

I don't want it to happen to me. I want my parents to live forever. I selfishly want them to always be there for me.

I remember one teenager-day when my heart was broken by a boy. My Dad heard me crying as I lay on my bed. He entered my room and sat by my bed and spoke quietly and softly to me. He said, "The Lord wants us to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. How you feel right now, that's a broken heart and a contrite spirit." I'll never forget that lesson.

The circle of life is real. My Dad that once comforted me will now need my comfort.

And so I waited. I waited for the phone call. Waited for the news. Waited for the test results that could change my life. And especially his.

My Dad has always been larger than life. Like the Halloween night he stood outside of our house wearing a raincoat and holding a ship's wheel, talking in a pirate voice to all the trick or treaters. OR the way he used to tell us Brer Rabbit stories, sounding just like Uncle Ramos. OR the time he carved an ice elephant out of snow on our front lawn, an ice elephant that my children were actually able to sit on. OR the time he created all the scenery for a Children's Christmas program I was in charge of--amazing scenery. Knock your socks off scenery.

There's more. So much more. So many memories.

And hopefully many, many more.

On Friday night the news finally arrived. The mass on his pancreas is malignant.

Cancer. Pancreatic cancer.

The next step is surgery to remove the tumor.

I live in Texas, one of my sisters lives in Arizona. My parents live in Oregon. So, we are both catching a plane and heading to Oregon to be with my father. I'll be there for almost two weeks. I'll be back just in time to travel south to my son's college graduation. It's going to be a crazy couple of weeks.

That being said, I probably won't be blogging for awhile. I'll be back, but for the time being, life is happening in a big way and I am needed elsewhere for a bit.

Until then . . .

UPDATE: The tumor is too large to remove. They will try chemo and try to shrink the tumor. This is successful only 1/3 of the time. The doctor said if everything goes as planned, he could have up to five years. If he doesn't respond to chemo, we're looking at 6-18 months. Maybe two years. A lot of ifs are involved. We don't know how this will play out, so we are preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. First order of business is to do a nerve block and get him out of pain. That way he can be comfortable for his remaining time. 

Thanks for all of your well wishes.